Who is lavi?
Its 1:14 and ummm, I should be sleeping because I am sick. But I haven't taken my sleeping pill yet because I suddenly needed to write something. And watch Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban. One that isn't quite an adventure, or an obsessive rant on vampires and their sparkly bits. I'm not even sure if I'll keep the address at blogger. I want to try out word press (just in case TDH ever thinks of moving cyber-locales).
I don't want to be a skinny bitch, but lately I've been thinking about actually trying to lose weight. I haven't seriously considered this since the age of 16, when I started hanging out with punk rock boys and girls who loved the cookies my mom would bake for them. Yeah. They act hardcore until a mom shows up. A small (good) glitch in their rebellious lifestyles. Anyway, punk rockers gave me a healthy dislike for mainstream anything, and I was quick to throw dieting right in the waste basket.
I am obsessive. I've had obsessions with weight lifting before, which resulted in some pretty awesome calf muscles (not as good as mom's though). I'm also obsessed with calf muscles in general, so... anyway. I thought maybe I could become obessive about eating right and excersising. Its probably the least fulfilling obsession I've had (Harry Potter is hiding under the sheets, trying to learn the spell, lumos maximus, to make his wand glow to the brightest of its ability... magic, so shameful, yet so satisfying!) I am a baker! By birth and occupation. So, here I go, putting a tray of cupcakes in the oven, all the while thinking "Spinach salad... with curry chickpea... no, the curry dressing is probably not healthy. No I don't care, I want the protein. How many calories did that thought burn?" And then I cry because I feel like somehow, choosing to lose weight means the advertisers won. Also, most of the time I am too tired to eat right or excersise, so I end up obsessing about how I'm doing everything wrong. Healthy... Right.
For years I've said things like "I am going to eat healthier" or "I am going to excersise a lot!" Hinting that I want to do something good for my body, and if losing weight is a side effect, fine. This is my way of trying to convince myself (or at least convince others) that I am anti dieting just for the sake of looking better. I desperately wanted, for the ghosts of middle school past, to never support dieting. I desperately want my overall well being to not be tied to my physical appearance. I put on my ideological face (Daniel Radcliffe is so cute in the 3rd harry potter. Angry teenage boy. awwww) and refuse to admit to anyone that I want to be a skinny bitch. I don't. I just want to go shopping and be able to buy jeans without having to hem a foot off the end, and oh yeah, bring in the thighs, because I'm only fat sort of. Not all the way. And its pretty impossible to not have some vested interest in physical appearances.
I think I just want to pretend that I'm not trying (if I'm trying, that means I've already failed at least one of my lifetime goals -- to never diet -- so if I also fail at dieting... Thats a lot of guilt). But I'm now obsessed with it, and want to obessively write about it (pillow fight in the Gryffindor boys dormitory? really?) whether I fail or not. I don't like support groups, but I like to whine, yes yes I do. But I guess, even if I am now admitting that my goals are of the shallow variety, rather than caring about my over all well being, I can at least be shallow in the healthiest way possible. We'll see what happens.
There are other obsessive things I wouldn't mind writing about. You think one blog about one book might be enough, but its not. Hey, look at that, my sleeping pills say "take with food". Oh DARN.
(Professor Lupin says "I'm sorry to hear about your broomstick Harry. Is there no way to repair it?")
Welcome.
I hope all your blog (i typed "blob") posts are peppered with awesome movie references. Love it.
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